I…sometimes I get these like, honesty urges.

Not even what I’d call it. It’s more like this thing I need to discharge like a shock. Wool socks. Just agitated.

I know I skirt the topic pretty much daily by now. I apologize, in retrospect it was pretty stupid of me. I have been feeling sick-nasty ill these past few months, since even before I went to the hospital. But I’m not saying these things because I want any of your sympathy. If I don’t talk about it, I think I’d probably burst. It’s such a critical part of my life, my mom asks how I am and asks honestly every few hours because of the cocktail of meds I’m on. So I apologize if I’m too forthcoming. My brain has this like, block, and can’t get out of a stress response rut leading to have that heart-butterfly dizzy feeling nearly 24/7. I have 2 medications I take twice daily set me at a normal level, but I still get hitches in derp activity.


It’s like in Akira when that dosed up kid can’t watch TV because he’ll get too excited. The week leading up to ME3 was painful as hell. All that good stress started to cripple my ability to function. It’s not what I want, it just over-reacts to stimuli. They keep changing my meds around for anxiety because of this and recently they’ve put me on anti-psychotics, and while resperidone worked it’d knock me out for 8 straight hours. Now I know it’s mental because going off everything for several months is what landed me in the hospital in the first place. I’m not even going to get into that nightmare. But with so many abrupt and random changes in what I take it’s really taking a toll on my health and I’m having fewer and fewer days where I’m actually aware. That’s kind of scaring me. 

Like I wouldn’t worry anyone about it, but the rigors are getting worse and I think I may need to see a legit physical doctor for a blood panel or lab work or just go even on the pills for 3 months straight with no change in dosage. yesterday I couldn’t hold a glass of water without my entire arm shaking although I should have been better from all that furniture moving. Same with walking and holding a pen. check out dat mad ass sketch up there. God that was hard. 

I’m actually going to the doctor today to request being taken off the Anti-psy and I really hope that will help. I just feel soooo sicccck and just sooo bad about it, but at the same time every time I mention it I’m actually laughing about it. What else can I do? Occasionally I do wonder if things are progressively getting worse and dipping into the realm of real debilitating mental illness or if that’s just the anxiety making it worse. And because I’m worried you all think I’m some kinda nutto hypochondriac who panics over a sniffle, I just wanted to say and clear the air that stuff happens and I’m on a very harsh round of medication that does occasionally make me feel physically very ill. It’s why I cannot eat, and why I eat so little these days. I’m getting over it, and I am trying. I ate this morning, had some water and in a few hours I hope I’ll be running at 180% 

And now I’m just typing for my own benefit. = ^=
I think I’ll make an appointment to see a real doctor later this month see if we can’t get me on some sort of schedule. But right now Idk, I guess I’ll wait for my appointment. I’ll go get dressed. 

So yeah gosh I am sorry about all this. I’ll put my best mental filter on and cheer up, because I love you all so much even if you are all internet buddies and 1 across the river buddy. 
Lots of love even if I don’t show it all the time. For forever.  

I…sometimes I get these like, honesty urges.

Not even what I’d call it. It’s more like this thing I need to discharge like a shock. Wool socks. Just agitated.

I know I skirt the topic pretty much daily by now. I apologize, in retrospect it was pretty stupid of me. I have been feeling sick-nasty ill these past few months, since even before I went to the hospital. But I’m not saying these things because I want any of your sympathy. If I don’t talk about it, I think I’d probably burst. It’s such a critical part of my life, my mom asks how I am and asks honestly every few hours because of the cocktail of meds I’m on. So I apologize if I’m too forthcoming. My brain has this like, block, and can’t get out of a stress response rut leading to have that heart-butterfly dizzy feeling nearly 24/7. I have 2 medications I take twice daily set me at a normal level, but I still get hitches in derp activity.


It’s like in Akira when that dosed up kid can’t watch TV because he’ll get too excited. The week leading up to ME3 was painful as hell. All that good stress started to cripple my ability to function. It’s not what I want, it just over-reacts to stimuli. They keep changing my meds around for anxiety because of this and recently they’ve put me on anti-psychotics, and while resperidone worked it’d knock me out for 8 straight hours. Now I know it’s mental because going off everything for several months is what landed me in the hospital in the first place. I’m not even going to get into that nightmare. But with so many abrupt and random changes in what I take it’s really taking a toll on my health and I’m having fewer and fewer days where I’m actually aware. That’s kind of scaring me. 

Like I wouldn’t worry anyone about it, but the rigors are getting worse and I think I may need to see a legit physical doctor for a blood panel or lab work or just go even on the pills for 3 months straight with no change in dosage. yesterday I couldn’t hold a glass of water without my entire arm shaking although I should have been better from all that furniture moving. Same with walking and holding a pen. check out dat mad ass sketch up there. God that was hard. 

I’m actually going to the doctor today to request being taken off the Anti-psy and I really hope that will help. I just feel soooo sicccck and just sooo bad about it, but at the same time every time I mention it I’m actually laughing about it. What else can I do? Occasionally I do wonder if things are progressively getting worse and dipping into the realm of real debilitating mental illness or if that’s just the anxiety making it worse. And because I’m worried you all think I’m some kinda nutto hypochondriac who panics over a sniffle, I just wanted to say and clear the air that stuff happens and I’m on a very harsh round of medication that does occasionally make me feel physically very ill. It’s why I cannot eat, and why I eat so little these days. I’m getting over it, and I am trying. I ate this morning, had some water and in a few hours I hope I’ll be running at 180% 

And now I’m just typing for my own benefit. = ^=
I think I’ll make an appointment to see a real doctor later this month see if we can’t get me on some sort of schedule. But right now Idk, I guess I’ll wait for my appointment. I’ll go get dressed. 

So yeah gosh I am sorry about all this. I’ll put my best mental filter on and cheer up, because I love you all so much even if you are all internet buddies and 1 across the river buddy. 
Lots of love even if I don’t show it all the time. For forever.  

Notes:

  1. bohim said: Don’t worry about how ‘you have been acting to other people’ We all know you’re a sweet and lovely person! chuchuchuchu
  2. flowerkouhai reblogged this from aaeds and added:
    dkjfhkjdfg I’m about boobs and butts yessir u q u no. bro is on his pc and I gotta leave soon to finish my work in...
  3. aaeds posted this

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